At some point in potentially everyone’s journey of remembrance there will be a time where, to meet your true self again, you must walk back through the dark and ugly paths of your past. Indeed, it can be frightening, but on the God scale of things, what is fear to a divine being?
Embarking on my journey of remembrance wasn’t a conscious choice. Therefore, it came with no preparation. If I had prepared then as I prepare now, I would have known that it was inevitable that I would visit bad memories before I reached the location of the good. I wouldn’t have been half as fearful. And I wouldn’t have believed that it was too much – and not worth the pain. Yet still, unprepared, and spiritually dragged by the collar of my existence, I stand here today in the knowingness that it was completely worth it. But that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a struggle.
Let’s get personal.
To get to where I am today, I had to remember who I was before life’s traumas told me who I couldn’t be and moulded me away from my authenticity. I walked in discomfort for decades of my life, and the thought of making a shift felt unbearable. I was tired. Weak, even. The strong friend, the fighter, the surrogate parent, the shoulder for the community to lean on – but weak.
I was aware of my gifts, my intellect, my spiritual depth, and my special soul. I was also aware of my effortless positive impact on others. My problem was not with seeing my value, I’ve always known how much I cost – I just refused to charge. Even though, whilst vibrating at such a low frequency I was able to achieve so many great things, to love so hard and purely, and to show up consistently, I accepted what I thought was my fate. A fate that told me I wasn’t enough unless I was sacrificing my truth to service others.
A few years ago, I believe God had enough. I wasn’t utilising my freewill fairly to myself, and as a result I was stripped bare. Imagine putting together a 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle and having someone tear it all apart and say, “Start again”. That was what happened to my identity. All the good and the bad, laid out in front of me, including the pieces that I’d forgotten about, and I had to put myself together again. Only, this time around, I felt a presence tell me “Your puzzle only requires 100 of these pieces”. I interpreted that message as; I could put myself together again, but I would have to choose only the pieces that were fitting to my truth; leaving behind the things I carried that did not belong to me. However, I would have to find them amid 5000 pieces – at moments reliving, or retrying, things that weren’t for me.
Throughout that whole period, including the lead up before I experienced my recall to Spirit, I kept hearing a voice saying, “Remember. Remember. Remember.” I was petrified because I didn’t want to remember the things that I felt forced to remember. I could smell the memories, I could taste them, I could feel them. They were all over me. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. They followed me into my sleep and were right there when I awakened. I prayed for them to just let me be, for them to let me go back to the numbness that blocked me from freedom, but they wouldn’t let up. It was only through frustration that I surrendered to remembering; and when I allowed myself to walk through those awful memories, I met me.
In mentally reliving the moments that attempted to break me, I was able to see myself as I existed before. I was able to see the dreamer before she was told not to dream. I was able to see the confidence before she was told she wasn’t enough. I was able to see the purity before she was marked damaged. I was able to see the ease in existing before she was told that it should be hard. I was able to see the prayers to be loved before she was shown that she was unlovable. I was able to see the worthiness before she was told that she didn’t deserve it. And as I began putting those pieces of the puzzle together again, I realised that without the pieces that weren’t mine to fit, I was still her. I was still the confident dreamer who deserved to receive love with ease. In all aspects of life.
From where I stand today, still with pieces left to piece together, I can say that the journey starts to look, and feel, truly beautiful. It didn’t feel like that for though, not for the first two years. I had to lose many delusions along the way. Delusions formed as relationships: from family to friends. Delusions formed as habits: from addictions to procrastinations, to excessive productivity. Delusions formed as beliefs: self-limiting and soothing. And delusions that stopped me from allowing people to be held accountable for offences just because my heart was able to forgive. The two can, and sometimes should, co-exist.
My Sacred Return has taken me through the ugliest heartbreak of my life. To finally see myself through eyes of compassion, and realise how even I didn’t afford myself that necessity, has led me to weep so many times on this journey. Yet, amongst other things, I’ve wept back to being able to express emotions without resistance. And I’m able to be truly proud of how much of a fighter I have been through it all.
I am a Warrior. And so are you.
To have been through all the things that you have, and to be here reading this right now, rather than having thrown your life away, you deserve a congratulations.
You have already lived through the real experience of the dark memories that haunt you. You have already slayed the demons and prevailed. Every moment you continue to breathe you are reclaiming your power. So, the next time you remember the attack, or even the weapons formed, don’t forget to remember your win.
Be proud of yourself. Life is challenging too often for us to ever silence our wins. Nor measure them. As wins are not measurable, they just are. So, if you woke up today, collect your win. If you can put a smile on your face, even for a second, collect your win. If you rested today because your body called for it, collect your win. And if you made it this far in reading this blog, collect your win. You don’t have to wait to have accumulated 20 years’ worth of wins before you can celebrate them. This isn’t a man-made champions league or a tournament, this is real life.
Here in this natural divinity, we collect our wins the whole way through.
I love you and I honour the divine in you.
Love and light, Liss x