For most of my life, I didn’t realise that I lacked faith. I didn’t realise a lot of things about my subconscious self, in fact. Due to the fact that I’ve always been extremely knowledgable, somewhat like a sponge for information, and had much life experience – whether personal, or witnessed – I thought that I had enough to get by. I thought that knowing and faith were synonymous, but they truly aren’t. How many times have you done something that you shouldn’t have, and then sat kicking yourself because you “knew better”? I’ve lost count in my life, and it wasn’t until I truly became faithful that I realised, it matters little what you know, if there’s no genuine belief behind it.
In the same breath, I’ve always thought that miracles were possible. I’ve seen them happen countlessly for others; and in my dreams, and wishes, I saw them happening for me. But as well as lacking faith, I lacked the compassion to see that I truly deserved them. I wasn’t able to accept things from others, out of fear it would one day be thrown in my face, and this is a trait that I’ve carried since childhood. I’m sure now that it has blocked many blessings that fought to reach me – but I simply was not ready to receive them.
Still, throughout all of this, I spoke faith to others. I guided them to believe in themselves, and became a driving force, or support system if you prefer, for many deserving souls who have gone on to do great things. I found it remarkable that, although I was detached from caring for myself, God allowed me to be a channel for inspirational messages to others. And that realisation inspired me to find faith. Because if I could be a vessel to inspire others, and have the heart to congratulate their every win with no envy, or jealousy, imagine how many lives I could impact positively if I also had full faith in myself?
When I was a child, I believed in God, and in angels. I was connected to them, divinely. I would ask for a sign, and a feather would fall onto my bed. I would be crying myself to sleep, and feel a weight sit on the edge of my bed (although nobody was physically there), and just trust that I was being watched over. I would speak to my angels, whether I was telling them to “get out“, or expressing everything that was bothering me. I told them about all of my plans to heal the world, to save little girls like myself, to cheers a glass of (non-alcoholic) Champagne with Jay-Z for making the songs that kept me going as a child, and then to sit across from Oprah and answer “what does God mean to you” when she asks about my best-selling book. I had big, clear, visions, but like so many, I let pain blind my sight.
By the time I’d reached the age of fourteen, however, all belief was lost. I was born into trauma, and a domino effect of traumatic event, after traumatic event followed – with no adults able to explain to me why this was my experience. I held onto my belief in a higher power for fourteen years, and eventually I was furious. I felt like I was all alone, and that not even a higher power was protecting me. But every time I attempted to take myself out of this world and “free” myself, God didn’t allow me too. At the time, I felt that God had let me down, but today I realise that God was qualifying me for my calling. And I’m in deep gratitude that I’m still here to see this – because I’ve lost dear friends along the way who didn’t get to hold on long enough to see life get better. Faith would’ve saved their lives.
Finally, I’m walking in my purpose. I see that my life experiences have allowed me to remember what I was sent to Earth to do – to heal. The pain I’ve experienced are reflections of generational hardships. Whether from directly above me, or from ancestors so far removed that their names are untraceable. Either way, the blood that runs through my veins has carried trauma and wounds that need healing for decades, and I’ve been called to heal as much as I can in this lifetime; and free the future from the curses of the past. We all deserve to start life with a blank slate, and in order to ensure that for my future children, I had to find faith enough in myself to take my healing seriously. Which has brought me to where I am today.
Whether the future generation make their own mistakes, or build an empire with it, is their choice. But, I have all of the faith that they won’t have to heal from my wounds. God gives us free-will, and rather than focusing anymore on those who used their free-will to harm me, I’m using my free-will to take the lessons from the pain and free my seeds.
It all started with Faith.
Not a claim of it, but the reality of it. The reality to surrender to the truth, that belief is not going to erase all of the obstacles of my future, but it is going to stand tall when faced with challenges. My faith, today, honours the challenges as teachers, stays open to learning the lessons, and then walks away with less fear. It doesn’t try to control the outcome of every situation, because it is certain that I am deserving of all of the greatness coming my way. And it has shown me that my dedication, throughout the storms, has invested into a bank that will see those around me – and to come through me – reap mighty rewards.
I’ve done the healing that I needed to do to begin this transformational journey, and a gift is worthless if you don’t give it away, so I believe it’s time for me to show you exactly why the faith that I have now is a healer.
I’m so happy to be back here in this space, talking to you all again after so long. My voice was timid and afraid, battling between whether it was supposed to be silenced, or not. We chose the latter. I am most certain that there will be things that rise again to test me, but I won’t be too proud to share those moments. I’m cultivating every essence of God out of faith, out of this human experience, and out of every painful lesson.
Thank you for being here with me on my journey, and buckle up, because this healing we’re stepping into is going to be a rocky ride, but a life-changing one. We’ve got joy to feel.
I love you. I honour the divine in you. And I claim healing over our whole entire lineages.
God hears the desires of your heart and will bless you.
Love and light,