My Beautiful Flaw: Mental Health Awareness Week

Dear Psychosis,

If that’s even your real name.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for introducing me to parts of myself that I’d never known, and for reintroducing me to the essence of Ellis. Who she was, who she is and who she could be.

You forced me to heal from trauma bonds that I denied, from traumas I tried to forget, by bringing them all to the forefront of my being in the most mind-boggling way. You blended my history with that of others, causing me to fall into a state of confusion; with no choice but to get back up and leave behind what did not belong to me.

Please don’t confuse this as me calling you pretty. You are anything but. You’ve been quite a displeasing sight in all honesty; but you’re still beautiful. Because beauty is soul deep, and that is where you heal me. Beauty isn’t all light and pink peonies. Beauty can be sadness and pain. Beauty can be dark and scary. Beauty is deep. The deepest ever. Beauty can bring you to tears. Floods of tears. Can’t eat, can’t breathe, can’t sleep tears. But most importantly, beauty is the acceptance of all flaws, and loving anyway.

I am flawed, with you being one of my flaws. But oh, you are beauty. My beautiful flaw.

Can I tell you a secret? Well, I’m sure you already know; as you play on my fears. But, you petrify me. Petrify me to the point that I’ve battled constantly with what my options are. The options we shouldn’t have because they go against the natural order of things. However, I didn’t believe that you and I could co-exist. Not realising that your life was one with my own. You being an element, me being the entirety.

When you bring other parts of me to visit, never with my permission, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Their voices make the hairs on my legs stand up, and seeing their shadows tells me that death is near. But death has been and gone, right? You killed me two years ago. Only to birth me again, in a new design.

Still me, just different.

So, why do the visiting voices and hallucinations remind me that I still fear death? And how did you know that was my biggest fear?

Then again, you belong to me.

Like a child watching a parent. Like Ellis watching Carlene. You observed me. Although, your plan was to destructively enter my life until you made yourself fit into me; where there was no space for you.

Will you ever leave? Or are you engrained in my person for the rest of my days?

Were you always here, and was I just blind? Were you waiting for me to see you all this time?

Oh, I’m so sorry Psychosis. Maybe, I should’ve noticed you sooner. But selfishly for me, we met right on time. I would’ve killed our flesh if we met sooner. No doubt about it. I’m on the brink of alignment that allows me to face you now, but I wasn’t here a year before we met. Not even months before we met. I was full of gems yet empty.

You validate the manipulative people whose narrative was that I was weird. Not cool weird, whatever that is. But mentally ill weird. They said it as a curse and I believed them, until I realised that I am.

I am mentally ill. And, I am a Woman Eternally In Raw Depth. W.E.I.R.D.

Why should I be ashamed that I feel things so deeply, so intensely, right down to the raw core of what it is? Why should I be ashamed of me? Of us?

I’ve never fit anywhere into this world until I met you. Life used to be so hard. Much harder than it is now. Mentally. I never made sense until I met you. But it’s all so simple now. I understand us now.

So, thank you.

As much as I wanted to sever ties with you for the past couple of years, I’m finally able to accept you as my beautiful flaw. It’s okay if we have to do life together. Because, before you I was a dead girl breathing. And today I am a sick woman alive.

Thank you, my element.

Love from, the entirety of you. 

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