Somebody that I used to know used to tell me that I’m too much of a dreamer and that my expectations for a relationship were unrealistic. There were also times I was told that I wasn’t a “real woman” seeing as my idea of how things could work were nothing like the girls he dated behind my back. The girls he called crazy and said spent all day abusing drugs were apparently more of a woman than me because I wanted a commitment before losing my virginity, because I wouldn’t waste time and money drinking myself silly and for every other illogical reason he could conjure up. Even at the time, whilst lacking self love and confidence, I was wise enough to know that a boy in a man’s body was not qualified to tell me what a woman was. I also knew that nothing he could say would stop me from dreaming about the type of relationship I knew that I deserved. If he wasn’t going to give it to me then I had to dream about it, otherwise all I’d be is his miserable doormat for the rest of my days.
One thing that he forgot however, and it’s something that a lot of men forget when they start treating the girls that care for them like garbage, is that one man’s doormat is another man’s Queen. I’m not the prettiest girl, nor am I experienced in the bedroom, or do I have the perfect body, but I have a special soul and for forever guys have been drawn to me for that reason. Every girl has something about them that draws the opposite sex to them, and mine just happens to be my interior.
Although I didn’t entertain those guys back then that’s not the point, the point is that they were still there making advances, asking me out on dates and some even declaring their love for me (maybe weird that they “loved” a girl they never dated but hey, in life you’ll encounter a lot of weird s**t!) Even though I turned them all down, the fact is that they were there making their presence known. And every time I ignored a message or pulled my hand away from the random guys who grabbed my wrist to “just talk to me for a minute”, I was reminded of two things: desirability and worth.
We’re all desirable to someone, so what’s the point in ever being desperate? Here I was, a young lady with a lot to offer, wasting my precious time trying to prove that I was loyal to a boy with trust issues that surfaced only because he knew that he was speaking to other girls whilst selling me dreams of sweet nothing. The absolute audacity!
I’m worth millions. I’m a diamond in the rough. I’m blessed and highly favoured. I’m God’s child. It’s not me that should be policed, I thought. Yet I said nothing for so long. Until I told my friend that “I don’t settle” and paused straight after in thought as I realised that I was lying. How could I say “I don’t settle” when I was literally settling for someone I didn’t even truly want to be with? That realisation was what made my heart leave that situation and embark on a new self love journey. And here I am years later, stronger, wiser and more in love with Liss than ever.
I started chasing my dreams. I quit my job and started a whole new career. I went on more holidays and met amazing new people. I started responding to messages and making friends I’ll keep forever. But I also faced deeper depression and had a psychotic break. I was put on antipsychotic medicine and became dependent on it. I put on 2 stones too much and felt insecure. However, ups or downs, I realised that I was learning how to accept myself in any state, give my problems to God and remember how to love myself unconditionally. No longer was every conversation I had with friends and family about how I was being mistreated by another human. Instead, the conversations consisted of what I’d learned about myself, how proud I was of my strength/resilience and what I’d accomplished. My self love journey has taken me on a rollercoaster ride, but as I get ready to say goodbye to 2019, and look back, I can’t help but smile. I’m not settling anymore.
Now, I’m much stronger. I’ve taken control back over my life. I kept my body sacred so I’m left with no regrets there. I’m doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. I’ve been exposed to new things and new people, allowing me to see that all of the qualities I’ve been seeking in others are out there in the Universe. I’ve seen them. I’ve spoken to them. I’ve felt their presence. There are people out there who want to fulfil the dreams of their spouse. There are people out there who will commit before sex. There are people who will build you up rather than break you down. But also, there are people much more compatible with you than the scoundrel you’re chasing. Don’t settle.
Being completely free to simply just talk to people made me realise that there are guys out there who are smarter than me, so I won’t have to dumb it down when speaking to them about things. Guys I can learn from. There are guys with manners who would never disrespect a woman with their tongue or hands. There are guys who like the same things as me, and won’t look at me weird for enjoying my simple pleasures. There are guys who want to do the same things in life as I do, and I won’t have to miss out on experiences because I’m entertaining someone with no goals. There are guys with respect and trustworthy personalities. And of course, there aren’t many. But as rare as they come, they do exist; and there’s one of them for each and every one of us.
In the past, I constantly tried to put 2 and 2 together but ended up with 16 every time. I thought that it was normal to be disrespected because I didn’t know any better. But now that I’m wiser I’m internally urging young girls not to follow in my footsteps. Think about what you want in life. Think about the type of time you’re on. How do you want to be treated? What type of life do you want to live? What are your boundaries and what are you looking for in a partner? Whatever the answers are, go for that. Go for the person that gives you that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, world series kind of love. Go for the person that you want to lay up with at night after a long day. Go for the person you want to tell first about your successes and even your losses. Go for the person that makes you want to better yourself, even if you think that they’re out of your league. Do it!
Why? Because, what is life without risk? How would we know what brings us comfort if not knowing of what brings us dis-ease? How would we get to walk down the aisle to Robin Thicke’s ‘Angel’ if we didn’t at least try to go for what we deserved? What would our future hold if we didn’t ourselves hold onto those that made us feel fireworks in the pits of our stomachs? Why should we let potential forevers pass us by when all it takes is simply giving yourself a chance?
So, give yourself a chance. Give that date a chance. Give that feeling a chance. Give that dream a chance to come true.
Once upon a time I was weak and lacked confidence. I was naive and desperate to be loved. I dumbed myself down to be on the same level as people who could offer me nothing. But now, for the past few years, I’ve been living as the Queen that I always knew that I was. I’m giving life a chance to be great. And I’ve found out that my dreams and expectations weren’t all that far fetched after all. Exactly what I believe I deserve is exactly what I’ll end up with. Because God showed me that it’s possible.
Dear dreamers, if you can see it in your mind, you can see it through your eyes and you can feel it in your heart. Don’t give up because you once, or twice, fell for the wrong sort. They were lessons and your soulmate will be the blessing that finds you. Keep your faith.
Love and light, Liss x