Goodbye, Young Liss

A letter to my younger self 

I’ve held onto you for much too long, in fear that your story would be forgotten. I’m learning now that you were my first teacher. I’m realising that I’ve learned from you what I need to know, meaning that it’s time for me to finally let you go. I must let you go so that I can fly, the same way that you wished for me too.

I remembered your pain for so many years, and I promise not to allow myself to be inflicted upon by those same causes if they are to present themselves again. You were so sad, and you were so lost, so mislead, and that is something that remembering reminded me to feel. I’ve felt your pain in my adulthood, and it pierced my heart, I understand why it felt so heavy for you, because it’s even heavy for an adult. God bless the child that was.

I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault, and that I’m aware that it certainly isn’t mine. I’m different today, and today in that difference, I have found support for my sadness. The support that you silently requested but never received. I’ve found my voice, and it sounds different to yours. Only slightly, as yours was internal but today mine is vocalised. It’s strange, quite weird, but it’s necessary. It’s necessary because vocalising allows me to ask for help, and it’s teaching me how to say no. No, I don’t have the energy to share with anyone but myself today. 

You weren’t very good at saying no, which added to your suffering, but in your memory I will not allow you to continue to say yes to those that don’t deserve your energy. It’s time for someone to save the hero, and I don’t have to do it alone, like you thought you did. You couldn’t bare it, and neither can I, but I’m strong enough to walk forward in my truth, which is something that you didn’t feel strong enough to do. I’m walking in the shoes of truth that you told me would fit my soul and set me free. You weren’t ready to wear those shoes, but I am. I’m ready, and today I’m wearing them. 

I’m ready because I’m free. More free than you could’ve even imagined, yet still on a journey to infinite freedom. Because things don’t get better overnight, and this process hasn’t been an overnight one. It started with you, and is currently with me, and the happiness owed has been a long time coming. But you know that, because in order for you to rest in peace, you need to be set free too. Freedom is owed to you just as it is owed to me.

I’m sorry for woefully holding you hostage. I want you to know that it’s okay to leave now, and that you’ll be okay, and so will I. We prepared for this on many nights, and many risings. It’s time for your soul to rise in peace, whilst I rise in the now. 

I will miss you, and I promise to keep the memories of your free spirit in my heart, but no longer will my tears keep you flooded within myself. It’s a new day, and I’m in a new place, it’s time for me to adapt to that. No more looking back, searching you for answers to things of the past. Moving forward is the only way out.

Goodbye, young Liss. You’ve wished me well, and I accept your well wishes. 

Love and light, Liss of today. 

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