I sat with a friend of mine who has recently got engaged and asked him when his wedding will be. He started to tell me the date and we conversed briefly about his excitement for his wedding. He didn’t seem ecstatic but I guess that’s men for you, they are much more laid back when planning their weddings in my opinion, as I’m sure his partner would’ve had a lot more to say. Anyway, as we were speaking I realised that I wasn’t very enthusiastic either. I’m happy for him and his partner, and excited for them too, however the thought of marriage didn’t ignite a spark in me like it usually does. I know that my feelings, or lack thereof, are not coming from a place of malice or jealousy so it got me thinking about myself and my thoughts on marriage.
From a very early age I have always wanted to get married. I was about 2 years old in nursery when I got dressed up in a wedding-like dress and trainers and was photographed for a newspaper with a classmate. It was then that I decided I wanted to get married and wear trainers under my dress, I’ve since changed my mind about the trainers but the marriage was still a big must for me. Until recently that is.
I’m one of those people who has their whole life planned out and even when things don’t go directly to plan, I always find a way of re-routing to eventually end up at the same destination I originally envisioned and it always works for me. Life has always been a mess, but an organised mess, and I can’t really say much hasn’t worked out for me until I turned 22. 22 was the age that my mother was when she gave birth to me, and due to my competitive nature against my mother (I’m sure I’ll explain it in a future post because it’s not bad competition, more like motivation to do everything the way she would’ve liked to do it rather than how she did it), I wanted to be married at 22 instead and then have my children afterwards. When I turned 22 and realised that I was not engaged and had no chance of getting married within the 12 months unless an absolute miracle and a severe bump on my head happened, I started to panic. I panicked for about 8 months and then I accepted that marriage at 22 was not going to happen for me. I’m now 23, and 5 months to be precise, and knowing that my marriage plan failed has put me off marriage entirely. It’s very strange for me because I never thought that anything would put me off marriage or even make me question if marriage is for me, but somehow here we are.
Now I’ve started questioning if marriage is for me I’ve started to look into my heart and really search for why I wanted to get married in the first place. Aside from the dress, and trainers, I have always wanted to be a wife, to share the same last name as my partner, to make a vow before God to be faithful and committed to one person for the rest of my life, to not have children outside of wedlock and to have a sweet little wedding that I can talk about for the rest of my days. Is that enough of a reason though? I mean, surnames can be changed by deed poll and I pray every single day anyway so I know for a fact that whether in front of guests or in a church, which I do not attend because I’m not religious, I will make my own personal vow to God to love, protect, be faithful to and stay committed to whoever I end up with. That leaves a little wedding, a dress and not having children out of wedlock left. 1. I still want a wedding but at the same time I don’t like parties and I’m sure that 2/3 hours in I’ll want everyone to go home. 2. I wear dresses a lot and I could buy a wedding dress and walk around my back garden in it if I like. 3. Having children out of wedlock isn’t really a big deal to me because my parents never married and it never disadvantaged me or my siblings at all.
After dissecting my thoughts of marriage down the way I just have, I scared myself because my thought then turned into “Oh sh*t, I don’t want to get married anymore!” It’s a bit extreme for me to make that statement, and I am a drama queen so I know that I could change my mind at any point, but the fact that marriage has gone from being an absolute MUST to me for almost 23 years to being something that I’m not even certain that I want, or need, anymore is a hard pill for me to swallow.
A lot of my mannerisms, morals and characteristics, have been moulded around me being a wife one day so you can say that it is something I’ve been working towards; it’s probably the thing I’ve worked most towards aside from being a mother. One thing that marriage has played a very big role in for me is my virginity. I’ve saved my virginity for marriage for 23 years. I’ve dealt with, and still deal with, the frigid comments, the accusations of lying, the guys only talking to me for a way to get in my pants and be able to say that they took my “prized possession” and all of the other nonsense that comes with being 23 and a virgin. I’m now questioning if that was all for nothing? I’m still going to continue to save myself, but now marriage is not my end goal, then when do I know to give it up. 3 months into dating? A year into a relationship? I have no idea anymore.
If there’s anything that drives me wild it is uncertainty. However, usually uncertainty is given to me by others so I have someone to be frustrated at. Now I’m frustrated at myself because I’ve grown uncertain of my own accord.
I’m not exactly sure where I go from here but life is a journey and I’m just here for the ride. I just love to put it out into the universe and feel out for energy as my response.
That’s my update for this week of where my head is at. If you’ve ever battled with the same sort of thing feel free to comment and let me know. I’d love to discuss it with someone else. We can be uncertainly-stuck together.
Thank you for reading. Until next time!